It's time to get with the 21st century, Santa. Knitted jumpers are not cool. We are wearing them possibly to humiliate you, or keep in trend with 99% of the much repeated Yuletide hits from the last sixty years. Which, evidently, are none the cooler. It follows that socks have evolved for the modern age, also. Would you, in your day to day life, wear woollen stockings? Have you tried? Imagine the sensation of your foot melting and having chicken pox at the same time. We must combat this, even if the purpose of said device is mainly to store gifts, rather than toes.
Receive presents and be ready for an impromptu PE lesson. The new year gym resolution will thank you for it.
Barbie, although your multi-talented career path did indeed provide the bedrock of childhood entertainment, I just don't think poop and scoop Tanner is the way to go. Yes, in some capacity it might bring forward the realities of owning a pet, but surely there will be the turning point when the difference between the biscuits you are feeding the plastic canine are indifferentto the turds coming out of it. In order to prevent your child from experiencing this horror at Christmas, I have provided a down to earth alternative:
Yes kids, crazy cat lady action figure! In my youth, it wasn't the latest doll outfit that mattered, it was how many cheap, posable animals that came with it. And who else would be more suitable? Does veterinarian Barbie come with tetanus? I think not!
How many kids this year are going to open a present and find it contains the fun but unlimited capacities of a toy helicopter? I don't mean the hardcore robotic kind that cost as much as a new car, but rather the wind-up-and-hope-to-god-it-doesn't-end-up-in-the-tree sort, made of fluorescent plastic and rubber bands. With this in mind, allow me to present the adult version, to be used as a trump card in all future arguments.
And if that doesn't work, we're going to have to strap some fairy wings to a pig.
Toilet roll holders: the outlet for the undervalued inventor. Okay, so I can get that you would charge your iPod in a pair of speakers, because the beauty of two birds with one stone would allow for a ying yang effect of inter-music harmony, but this?
This is a sculptural representation of laying off vindaloo, that is what this means. When society starts making crap to entertain crapping, I think we need to walk away.
Okay fine, I take it back. Star Wars -can- do merchandise. Quite well. Alright, very well. But what am I supposed to drink if I'm part of the Rebel Alliance?
Do I join the Sith JUST because they know how to make a good cappuccino? If they're coffee, are the Jedi tea? Is this what the conflict was all about in the first place? Answer these questions, you must.
I've been in the art game for a while, my friends. Eleven years, if you count high school, which you shouldn't really. (When you are in a class full of people who are mainly there because they think it's a doss subject, then yeah, it doesn't.) But I have progressed. I got past life drawing. Life drawing the only people who would actually consider being a model for life drawing: very, very old people. I can get past a bowl of food...can't I?
Damn you with your picture frame! How am I supposed to get my five a day when there are thirty seven reluctant students trying to draw you to scale! Bah!
Is the CD really dead yet? I don't think so. My theory is as long as computers have a drive to put them in, that's the real test for longevity. It's a pity they never put one in that reads LPs, though. This here is a bit of a compromise:
Can you imagine if LPs were still here, though? Each one has their own scratches and patina from being made, and if everything were going to get smaller anyway, you could have little CD shaped ones, with mini record players where you set teeny needles! Teeny needles!
Necks. Those unashamed, dastardly fiends of the modern world. How do they sleep at night, whilst the world freezes in its unready, bare skin?
And it looked so nice out, too! Now your throat is all dead and blueish. Keep an eye out for the knitted police, they throw sheep at you instead of being armed with truncheons. Well, they have truncheons too, but they're pretty ineffective, being made of wool and all.
Giants must have it hard at gift giving holidays. I can imagine buying shoes are a nightmare, and using baths as rudimentary cups will get tiresome. So, maybe this sort of thing will start a trend going:
Don't ask how they're using a normal iPod, it will only upset them. There's only so many times you can try and move to the next track whilst not crushing your Mp3 player with enormous ent fingers. You'd get the boombox back in fashion again, but it's so impractical to commute with! Being a huge mountain creature must be hard.